8 Internet Marketing Experts to Avoid

Evangelist Web 2.0 Interactive Shop Creative Director
Secretly technologically illiterate.  Tries to sell every company a custom social networking site. Forces employees underneath him to communicate only via Twitter.  Thinly holding on to bogus punk-rock cred “held” in 1980’s.  
Former job:  graphic design studio creative director

New York Times Reading Vice President of Marketing
Already works at your company.  Desperately wants to go viral.  Has no idea what viral means. Believes company website should prominently display stock ticker AND scrolling clock AND his biography.  Fancy MBA. Fancier inferiority complex.
Former job: yes man

Online Media Buyer
Thinks online media planning equals budget minus AdWords minus banner ads. Never visited a blog, says it’s a fad. Going on ten years of anti-depresants. Has .msn email account.
Former job:  print media buyer

Guy with a Book To Sell
Speaks at all the “Web 2.0″ marketing conferences. Has made a living off perpetuating buzzwords and reciting media headlines.  Until late 2003, totality of web deft confined by ESPN.com. Openly abhored by wife and kids.
Former job:  business analyst 

The SEO “Expert”
The used car salesmen of online marketing. Guarantees ”results”.  Makes SEO sound akin to “magic” as to thwart suspicion.  Predator.  D*bag.
Former job:  telemarketing shift leader

Bitter IT Guy
Viciously hates every creative agency ever hired.  Claims he programmed the original social network using C+ during the mid 90’s (but never finished it because he was too ahead of the curve). Has six MySpace accounts. Unexplainably convinced daughter’s tap-dance studio he could give them a “Web 2.0″ site designed solely in frames.
Former job:  bitter waiter guy

The Software Company with an Expensive Lease
Trying very hard to rebrand company with a we’ve-always-had-the-”shiny wet floor” logo. Has yet to sell a single piece of finished, original programming. Claims retrofitting the “networking tab” idea to web was always the intention. Still can’t explain business pitch in under 1000 words. Blog hasn’t been updated in 17 months.
Former jobs:  junior IT guys (though sans ponytails)

Twenty-something “Social Media Consultant” with a Faux Hawk
Still brags about carrying an iPhone.  Sees networking as a vocation, though has never visited any “follower’s” Twitter stream or any “friend’s” Facebook page. Always quoting “Scoble”. Not-so-secretly aspires to be a famous actor.
Former job:  film school dropout